Maplecrest Trailer Home

Not having had extended my wikipediac knowledge of Elizabeth I into deep Boleyn investigations, I was unaware of the treasure trove of incestuous historical drama preceding her reign. The academy award nominated writer of “The Queen”, however, pounced, adapting what appears to be yet another, “wait..check the wikipedia page..” decade-compressing period piece. I cannot even truly begin to describe how much this trailer blew my mind. Not, per se, in a good way, but in a way that it assaulted so many senses simultaneously. My retinas quivered fretfully at the near-fluorescent costumes and clean-cut headdresses. My ears anxiously attempted to detect a lightening in the intense, straight off the shelf, catastrophic historical music. And most of all, deep internal alarms were activated at being presented one over-blown scene after another (“the king! the king! THE KING!”), featuring an array of the most attractive stars available (lest they exclude an ugly-fied historical Scarlett). Wikipedia says that Boleyn sisters were not close. Scarlett’s Mary Boleyn says they are sisters, and therefore one half of each other. Attempting to recover my senses, and presented with battle-ready tunes, a mish-mosh of sororicidal snippets, a completely unrealistic relation between Portman and Johansson, and hot historical sex featuring both, I’m just going to step away from this 2:34 mindfuck, accepting the exchange: “we’re sisters!”…”and therefore born to be rivals”.

sidenote: A suggestion to the filmmakers – to make at least one aspect more realistic, such as genetic similarities between the sisters, how about Tia and Tamara? That would at least ease my concern at my newfound desire to end every phrase directed at my sibling with an ominous and meaningful, “Sister.”